Where to turn: Chapter 3
Say very little, slowly and softly. “I’m here. You’re safe.” Questions and explanations don’t reach them now.
From the book
Does this sound familiar?
Everything was fine, I asked him to turn off the game, and he exploded.
Chapter 3He’s nearly sixteen and I’m still waking him, reminding him to wash, eat, do homework.
Chapter 6Mornings end in tears and nausea, yet school says she’s quiet and fine.
Chapter 7Every request gets a “no”, even for things he wants himself.
Chapter 5My daughter is a model pupil at school and falls apart at home every day.
Chapter 12Every rule becomes a court case.
Chapter 11
These questions come from the book’s chapters. They are composites, paraphrased in our own words from public parent forums. They are not quotations and describe no real person.
Difficult behaviour is usually a sign of difficulty, not a flaw of character. Understanding the reason does not mean giving up limits. It means putting limits and support where they have a chance of working.
One foot on the accelerator, the other on the brake
That is how many people describe it. It is also why advice written for ADHD alone, or autism alone, so often half works.
ADHD wants
Autism needs
New things, quick decisions, spontaneity
Predictability, a plan known in advance
Movement, sound, stimulation
Quiet, fewer sensory inputs
To speak now, before the thought vanishes
Time to process and to answer
To drop a boring task
To finish what was started, and do it “correctly”
When they combine
Every chapter has three layers: what ADHD adds, what autism adds, and what appears only when both are present. That third layer is often why standard advice fails.
What’s on fire this week?
You don’t read this book in order. Choose what is hardest right now to see where to turn and what the book suggests.
Where to turn: Chapter 5
Keep basket A small. Letting basket C go on purpose frees energy for A and B.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 6
A list by the door, photos of items, an audio reminder. When a list reminds, not you, there is less conflict.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 6
Shrink the start until it’s almost silly. “Just open the notebook.” Starting is often hardest; continuing is easier.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 7
Don’t argue that morning. Find out calmly later.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 8
Don’t cut off a game abruptly. Many games can’t be paused.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 9
Consider starting with sleep.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 10
The goal isn’t popularity. One or two good ties are enough.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 11
Start by acknowledging what’s correct. “You’re right, the teacher said Friday. That wasn’t fair.”
From the book
Where to turn: Chapters 12 and 13
Stop the bills. Reduce demands to essentials.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapters 7 and 12
Home is the safest place to fall apart, which is a sign of trust in you.
From the book
Where to turn: Chapter 15
Lower the bar. Dinner from the freezer is fine. A messy house is fine.
From the book
If anyone is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services at once. This book is not a crisis service.
The last drop is rarely the real cause
You asked for the bins to go out and your teen exploded. See what was already in the glass.
What you can change: the level in the glass.
The load glass from Chapter 3. An illustration, not a measurement.
“Take the bins out”
Poor sleep
Noisy break time
Masking all day
Changed lesson
Skipped lunch
Phrases you could try this evening
Many chapters include tables like this. Here are a few lines.
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| “How many times do I have to say it?!” | “I see it’s not done. What’s getting in the way of starting?” |
| “Look at me when I’m talking!” | “Look wherever you like. Just tell me what you heard.” |
| “You always have an excuse.” | “Something seems to block the start. What’s the easiest first bit?” |
| “You’re addicted.” | “I’ve noticed it’s hard to sleep after games. What could we change?” |
| “It’s only a small change!” | “I know this wasn’t the plan. What’s the plan B?” |
Look inside the book
Short chapters, colour-coded layers, diagrams and numbered steps you can follow even when you are tired.
-
The quick map: where to turn when you need an answer now
-
How ADHD and autism collide in daily life
-
The load glass and the course of a meltdown
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Three baskets: limits without war
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The staircase back to school
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A one-page profile for school and doctors
Download the free sample (11 pages, PDF)
The sample includes the important notice about the book, the contents, the quick map, and Chapters 1 and 3.
What’s in the book
Each chapter has a parent’s question, the three layers, numbered steps, phrases, things to avoid, tips by age, and when to talk to a professional.
Part I. Understanding
- One head, two worlds
- Talking so your teen can hear you
Part II. When it boils over
- Meltdowns and shutdowns
- Aggression and safety at home
- “Can’t” or “won’t”: demands and limits
Part III. Everyday life
- Mornings, belongings, tasks: when starting is the problem
- School: refusal and adjustments
- Screens and gaming
- Sleep, food, hygiene
Part IV. The world outside
- Friends, loneliness, bullying
- Deep interests, rigid rules, a fierce sense of justice
- The mask and burnout
- Anxiety, low mood, self-harm
- Puberty, relationships and risk
Part V. You and your support
- Tired parents, siblings and your support team
Appendices to print and fill in
- A One-page profile
- One clear page about your teen for school, a doctor or a club.
- B Behaviour diary
- Two weeks without judgement, to help you spot patterns.
- C Family crisis plan
- Who does what and who to call, written down in a calm moment.
- D Finding help where you live
- Who to look for, with space for your own contacts.
You are not imagining it
A few figures from studies named in the book, so that you can look them up yourself.
- about 40% of autistic people were found to have ADHD. This is no rare exception. Rong et al., 2021, meta-analysis
- 43% of autistic pupils missed at least 10% of sessions in a month. Truancy was almost non-existent: this is mostly not a discipline problem. Totsika et al., 2020, 486 parents
- 44% of autistic young people experience bullying at school, and 50% verbal victimisation. Maiano et al., 2016, meta-analysis
- 2,225 children in one study: everyday functioning in those without intellectual disability fell well below what IQ would suggest. Alvares et al., 2020
A twin study suggests the overlap is partly explained by shared genetic factors, with shared family environment contributing very little (Ghirardi et al., 2019). Environment still matters greatly for how things go, but you did not “raise” these traits.
This book is for you if
- you are raising a 12–16 year old with ADHD and autism, or wonder whether both should be assessed
- your teen is verbally able, without intellectual disability (the profile once called Asperger’s syndrome)
- you have already tried rewards, punishments, gentleness and firmness
- you want one readable guide instead of hundreds of scattered sources
It won’t suit you if you want
- a diagnosis, or an answer on whether your child has either condition
- information on medication: the book deliberately doesn’t discuss it
- a replacement for a doctor or psychologist
- a crisis service, or a promise that your child will change
It’s enough to be the person who comes back after each hard evening
You don’t have to be a perfect parent. This guide can help you understand what is going on and know what to try next.
- 52-page PDF book in English
- 15 chapters you can read in any order
- A quick map of where to turn right now
- 4 appendices to fill in: profile, diary, crisis plan, help list
- A list of 36 source entries
€12.90
One payment, no subscription.
Buy the book for €12.9014-day money-back guarantee
If the book isn’t right for you, email us within 14 days of buying and we’ll refund the full amount. No reason needed.
Common questions
How do I get the book?
Straight after payment you receive an email with a link to download the PDF. If you can’t see it, check your spam folder or email us.
Can I read it on my phone?
Yes. It is a standard PDF that opens on a phone, tablet, computer or any e-reader that supports PDF. The pages are A4, so it is most comfortable on a tablet, a computer or printed out.
Does my teen need both diagnoses?
No. The book does not diagnose and cannot tell you whether your child has either condition. If your teen has one diagnosis but support helps only partly, you could ask a specialist whether the other should be assessed too. The book focuses on verbally able teenagers without intellectual disability.
Who wrote this book?
It was compiled with artificial intelligence from publicly available sources. No clinician wrote or reviewed it. The opening pages of the book and the free sample say more about this.
Does it cover medication?
No. The book deliberately does not discuss medication and does not recommend any treatment. Please take those questions to a doctor.
What if things are at crisis point?
If anyone is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services at once. This book is not a crisis service. You can find crisis lines by country at findahelpline.com.
How does the refund work?
Email us within 14 days of buying, from the address you used to buy. We refund the full amount. Money usually reaches your account within 5–10 business days.
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Can I print it or share it?
You can print it for personal use, and the appendices are made for filling in. Please don’t pass the file on to others: it is for the buyer and their family.
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